America: Land of criticism, Home of ironies. Maybe that is a little harsh, but when it comes to social acceptance, we tend to be critical, two-faced jerks. We want people, not ourselves, to be everything to everyone at all times, especially celebrities. As soon as someone steps into the spotlight their flaws are magnified, amplified, and shouted to the world till we get bored and move on to the next juicy, over-hyped topic. This week it’s the Duggar family. All 21 of them star in the TLC network’s 19 kids and counting. The show chronicles their lives, challenges and accomplishments while highlighting the fact that they have an absurd amount of kids…or do they?
Popular wisdom suggests that the trials of raising such a barn-ful of hungry, smelly, annoying poop-factories are beyond any two parent’s capabilities. There are just too many responsibilities that exit the womb with the child and those responsibilities are multiplied exponentially when you add more children. The prestigious Dr. Douglas Downey, a general surgeon based in Florida, offered his opinion to People magazine: “I think that’s too many kids. From a resource perspective, there is no way you can give the emotional and financial resources you would need to support that many children…” (People).
While it may be true that some people are unable or perhaps simply unwilling to bring that many annoyances into the world, it seems that the Duggars are the exception to Downey’s parenthood rule. Not only are every one of their children bright, polite, and well-functioning members of society, but they do it under the spotlight of celebrity. Perhaps we must separate at the children’s needs situationally: Emotional, Social and Financial.
Some may find it surprising to learn that duct tape and closet with a decent lock won’t provide all the emotional development that a child needs. Experts actually suggest that a healthy dose of parental attention can also encourage young people’s development. According to psychologist, France Byatt-Smith there are some specific things that parents can do to keep their children from future residences highlighted by padded walls:
1. Showing our love with warm and gentle touch, hugs and kisses we can fulfil their first need, which is to be loved. Some children will like to be hugged more than others
and it is important to respect this.
and it is important to respect this.
2. Showing interest in their activities and being pleased with achievements and improvements and not comparing them with their siblings and others will also respect their individuality.
3. Acknowledging their strengths will give them belief in themselves. A ‘can do’ feeling enhances their progress.
4. Giving lots of attention will show them that they are valued as well as being loved. Children want to please and your praise and attention will make them feel good.
5. Allowing your child to make choices, for example, about what clothes to wear shows them that you trust them as well
6. Having a routine helps them to feel safe and secure because they can anticipate what will happen next, however the routine does not need to be too rigid or inflexible.
7. Clear boundaries and limits will help to keep them feeling secure and give their lives structure and stability. ‘Allowing children to make choices (within limits) and to live with the consequences is a respectful, effective method of discipline.’
The Duggars, as well as any other successful parents, practice most if not all of these things (when their children are free of the closet and duct tape). Critics who state that the Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar cannot possibly find the time to give the type of specialized, individual attention that is described above to each of their nineteen kids neglect to acknowledge the contribution of siblings. By correctly teaching their older children to care for their younger siblings, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar have expanded their reach and ability as parents beyond the 24 hours per day limit. That’s not the only benefit either; the older children now have real experience in parenting for the next Duggar generation. That’s not as easy when you only have two children.
That leads to another issue that has ignited the blog-o-sphere like a discarded cigarette by the Hindenburg. How can children who are so wrapped up and busy with their own family have time to construct social relationships outside of the family unit? We know it’s possible for the Duggar’s because 22 year-old Josh married Anna Keller on September 26, 2008. While a large family could discourage children from looking outside the family for social interaction, it allows those children to practice developing meaningful relationships while still developing. This practice can then translate into future meaningful relationships. However, a child who has few or no siblings with which to practice social skills may be forced to look outside the family to fulfill those social needs. This not only weakens the family structure as a whole, but it can also have lasting negative effects on social ability.
Time columnist, Jeffrey Kluger contends that the biggest influence on children’s developmental lives is siblings. “From the time they are born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales. They are our scolds, protectors, goads, tormentors, playmates, counselors, sources of envy, objects of pride. They teach us how to resolve conflicts and how not to; how to conduct friendships and when to walk away from them. Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys. Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us. Our siblings may be the only people we'll ever know who truly qualify as partners for life”, says Kluger (Kluger). Perhaps the variety of options of role models and “partners for life” provided in the Duggar household allows each child to choose to become who they wish to be, instead of what the world wants them to be.
One of the largest areas of criticism in Duggar-ville is the perceived inability of the parents to provide the physical needs for all 19 (and counting) of their children. However, People responds to this by saying, “Critics who believe the Duggar children are a strain on government finances can rest easy: The Duggars live debt free in a 7,000-sq.-ft. home they built themselves, and Josie's medical costs are covered by insurance. They've made their living by being frugal, profitable real-estate investments and earnings from their book The Duggars: 20 and Counting! and their TLC show” (People). It would seem that those critics question their own ability to provide for such a flock and superimpose that onto the Duggars.
If you move a little outside of the mainstream, big-family critics you arrive at the special group of people who claim that the Duggars are selfishly overpopulating the world and hogging resources that should be divided up by several smaller families. While it may seem silly to blame a worldwide issue on a single family, these critics have a valid point based off of their belief system, just as the Duggars have a valid defense in when built upon their own belief system. Let’s explore the latter and then see how the former opposes it.
The Duggars are “committed to the belief that each child is a gift from God” (Stanek). They often cite passages of the Bible to give credence to their perceived eccentric lifestyle. However, the main tenet of their belief system is the principle of faith in God: That He has commanded us (humans) to multiply and replenish the Earth and we must have faith that God will provide the means to support this ever-growing population. If we believe in this God, then naturally, such a large family is not only personally enjoyable, but also a fulfillment of our spiritual obligation.
In opposition, if we remove belief in a higher power from the equation, our main concerns focus on our own comfort and survival. We worry that if we do not provide for future generations ability to live, nobody will. This is why governments who don’t recognize a higher power often resort to forced birth control and sterilization (see PRC, USSR). The morality of those measures is determined by our beliefs.
Whether we agree with the Duggars or not, I believe there is one point we can all agree upon: Duct tape and a closet with a decent lock will always be effective parenting tools.
